


That Gray Became a Light

by sweetshotofkerosine



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angel Waverly Earp, Death, Emotional Baggage, Established Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, F/F, Feelings, Grief/Mourning, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned Wynonna Earp, Non-Canonical Character Death, POV Nicole Haught, Past Character Death, Post-Season/Series 03, References to Depression, Sad Nicole Haught, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Wynonna Earp-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 05:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16212704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetshotofkerosine/pseuds/sweetshotofkerosine
Summary: All it took was one invisible wall, and Nicole lost her angel. The whining, grinding noise, and she was gone. This is a little introspective piece from Nicole's POV if Waverly had died when the garden took her, and Nicole was never kidnapped. This is heavily inspired by Quiet Lies by Matt Mayfield (which was in Season 1 Episode 3).Warning: VERY DARK





	That Gray Became a Light

_The noise. The awful, grinding sound. Dissonant and cold, it had felt like ice in Nicole's veins. She had been back at the Homestead when it happened, but no one needed to tell her. She just knew._

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_1 day._**  Blue-gray skies. The daylight is back to normal. But the cutting shards of glass, as every beat of her heart pumps, slice into her flesh with every pulse. This is not living, this hollow feeling can't be it. It hasn't quite sunken in yet, that her angel isn't coming back. She jumps at every noise, turning her head at the slightest vibration. But no one is there. Waverly Earp isn't coming home.

The ring feels heavy and sunken on her finger. She never even said yes. Nicole had hesitated, not knowing if it was the right time. It was, maybe if she had said yes immediately, Waverly would have had the strength to fight. Now the ring is only inky black glass and tarnished metal, and it taunts her as the light catches the facets of the stone. This was an angel's ring, yet there's no angel to wield it. Not that it matters anyway. It's powerless, and it was all Nicole's fault. If she hadn't gone and gotten stabbed, maybe Julian would have lived. Maybe the garden would have killed him instead of Waverly.

She throws the ring as hard as she can. It shatters against the dull wood floors, and Nicole feels a little emptier. Good. She wants to pour herself down a drain until all that's left is an empty skeleton, stripped of all that's human.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**3 days.**_ She hasn't said a word to Jeremy and Robin. She's hardly spoken at all, except when Wynonna stopped by to tell her. Nicole is back at home again, and she swears to never go near the Earp place again. It's empty now anyway. Wynonna had knocked on Nicole's door, drunk beyond belief. The whiskey hadn't done much to calm her, it had only served to make her pricklier. Wynonna had told her, and fled town on the motorbike Shorty had given her. They say Wynonna Earp had never made it out of town. They said she had gone off a cliff somewhere, next to the car wreck from a few months before.

Nicole is alone now. Maybe the others mourned, but the only one affected the way she is now lies dead at the bottom of a ravine. Maybe she's better off, not having to feel anymore. Maybe Nicole would be better off.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**1 week.**_ The town has come home. They think it's a forest fire. Oh god, if only. It's always a forest fire. It's never a bloody massacre, or an apocalypse. Here, it's always mundane and normal. Maybe it's better that way, the not knowing.

They hold a memorial for Waverly. The best of them. But they hardly know her. No one is there to mourn John Henry Holliday or Wynonna Earp. Nicole leaves two bottles of liquor on the cliff where Dolls died. She leaves nothing for Waverly. The townspeople talk about her. The Sheriff, the young one dating the Earp girl. She does not attend the service. There is no body, in her mind, Waverly Earp is not there. Only some contrived idea of her.

Nicole spends the funeral at her desk. That night, it hits her like a bullet to the chest that the girl she ~~loves~~ loved is dead. She does not cry today. A wall builds up in her heart, and she promises herself this is the last time she'll feel anything. Doc's favorite bourbon is under the desk, and she drinks until the world goes black. This is the last time, she promises. This is the last time she'll let herself feel.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_1 month._** They talk about her. They say the new sheriff is broken, that she's changed since Waverly Earp passed. Maybe they're right. Nicole is harsh and cold now. The nightmares from when she was a kid are back, but this time, she's the one doing the killing. She hasn't gotten much sleep these days. Out on patrol every night, she refuses to let anyone help her with work. She shoots without thinking, and the cells at the station are bursting with new arrests.

Nedley worries about her. But she has a fence around her house and heart now, with big 'Keep Out' signs on every door. No one has spoken to Nicole Haught in weeks, nothing more than a few words about work, or the slam of a door. She likes it that way. No chance of getting hurt.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**6 months.**_ She's changed. Not only on the inside, but grief has taken a toll on her exterior as well. She barely eats these days, and it shows. She's always been skinny; it comes with being tall. But every bone in her body juts out, and her uniform hangs off her shoulders. The nightmares make her eyes puffy and bloodshot, and the bags under her eyes give her the look of a sunken corpse. Even her hair looks different. The grief dulled its fire and it hangs limply around her face. It's a little shorter now; and choppy, obvious that she cuts it herself in the dark without the aid of a mirror.

Nicole no longer worries about herself. She doesn't look when she crosses streets, secretly hoping a truck will keep going and it'll all be over. Her eyes linger for a little too long on her kitchen knives, and she relishes the "accidental" injuries, because at last, she can finally feel something. Anything.

The photo of her and Waverly collects dust on her bookshelf. It's been face down since Bunny turned it over all those months ago, and Nicole has no plans to touch it. All other traces of Waverly have been scrubbed from the house. No more reminders, no more remembering. At least that's what she tells herself.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_**1 year.**_ It's been a year since Waverly died. Nicole visits her empty grave for the first time. She leaves a photo she had stolen from the homestead the last time she was there in the fresh grass. The last time they were all together, including Dolls, and happy. It's a fitting goodbye.

For the first time, Nicole lets go. Tears stream down her face, and she looks up to the sky, but even the sunlight doesn't dry her tears. All the quiet lies she's told herself for the past year fall apart as she leans against Waverly's headstone. She toys with the gun in her belt, smiling a little at the ounce of feeling that's crept back into her.

The gray she's felt for the last year becomes light, and Nicole finally feels nothing as she leaves in a flash of noise and light. The pain is finally over.

 

 

 

 


End file.
